SeveredNitrate Presents Piranhaconda (2012)

Salutations Severedheads. 🧟

I am your hostess Necrosecta and this is SeveredNitrate where we review horror flicks. This week's flick is Piranhaconda (2012) 

SPOILERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Duh...

Trigger Warning: 

-Death

-Blood (powdered blood mostly) (dust cloud of blood)

-Eggnapping 

-Piranhaconda death 

-Guns

-Adultnapping 

-Getting people killed in the name of...science 

-Fantastic Flora trope

-Hot girls in bikinis 

-Hot guys blowing shit up

-Profanity

-Movie in a Movie 

-Ugly barrettes 

-Bad CGI...but is B-movie schlock so it's expected

-Stilted Acting 

-Bad Script but some of the actors pull it off

-Amnesia (MCG reads about the titular creature and then forgets the info when confronted by it)

-Snakes (I mean I love snakes but a good portion of people do not)

Let's start off with our lovely cast:

Michael Madsen as Professor Lovegrove 

Terri Ivens as (the most beautiful) Rose 

Rib Hillis as (stuntman) Jack 

Shandi Finnessey as Kimmy Weston (our exploitation film actress) 

Kurt Yaeger as Gunner (our boom boom guy)

Michael Swan as Pike 

Chris DeChristopher as Milo 

PLOT:

We open with a kickass soundtrack called Piranhaconda and while we're jamming there's a chopper landing in Hawaii. The chopper is carrying Professor Lovegrove, an assistant, and cameraman. He's come to find the Kipalo, aka our titular character Prianhaconda. Instead, he finds their nest and decides it would be a good idea to take a man-eating snake-pirahna's egg. You know for science! Almost, immediately the Professor's cameraman is nommed, his assistant next, leaving him the only survivor. The chopper is dead too because the pilot didn't keep it running as he was told so he couldn't take off before Piranhaconda got it and him. Now the Professor is stranded. 

Cut to an indie slasher being filmed by our MCs; Rose, Rick, Kimmy, and the director Milo. The film is called Head Chopper 3 (but Milo is wearing a Head Chopper 2 hat). There's no time for that because Milo thinks it's getting dark so filming is done but will start back up at 5 the next morning. 

Rose and Jack (yes, that is a reference) are chatting over a couple of beers when Rose comes across an article with exposition about Kipalo. Jack is called to put lotion on Kimmy before Rose is able to show him the picture of the River Devil. 

Feeling as if she can't compete with Kimmy, Rose walks away from Jack to get more work done. During this pool scene, we are introduced to some kidnappers planning to ransom off the film crew. Our Professor accidentally stumbles into their lair (it is just not his day) and in return kidnapped. 

We're back on location when Milo gets a call shutting down the filming. They pack up and start to head home but are stopped by the kidnappers. However, they did not expect the awesome Gunner to have pill explosives (like a fucking ninja), allowing him and Jack to escape to later come to the crew's rescue. 

Rose tries to escape only to come across the Piranhaconda's nest and the monster. She proceeds to run back to the kidnappers thinking she's safer with them. And for some reason, she forgets completely about what she's read seeing as she claims to have no idea what the monster is. 

It's about this time that Gunner and Jack make their grand rescue, with explosives. We find out that Gunner doesn't do guns just boom booms. Unfortunately, our darling Gunner is taken from us, gunned down in his prime. You shall be missed, Boom Boom man. 

No one seems to be able to aim (except the one that took down Gunner apparently). Red shirts and stormtroopers be damned. The crew + the Professor are able to get away. For a short while, until they realize the female Piranhaconda is on their tail. It's zooming like Sonic the freaking Hedgehog. 

While the male cuts them off on the road but is taken down by a bazooka to the face, from the lead kidnapper, Pike. What is left of the male is nommed by the female. 

Kimmy, Rose, Jack, and Lovegrove now have to find a way back to the city. Milo had stayed behind to sacrifice himself, he finds the nest and gets nommed too. 

The kidnappers catch up to the crew after they have a fight with the Professor about him keeping the piranhaconda's egg. The other male (why are there two males and not two females?) finds the group eating the kidnappers. Kimmy stays behind to grab some explosives as Rose and Jack run away. She's dead. 

Then Jack stays behind so Rose can make it to the boat they found at a dock. She runs into the Professor again there and they take off. Rose eventually throws Lovegrove off the boat, feeding him to the female. 

Rose finds Jack and they are chased by the female. Seeing as Rose still has the egg they plant a stick of dynamite in the egg's container and blows the female's head up. 

Now the ending is a little ambiguous. I know that the consensus is that Rose and Jack get eaten by the last male Piranhaconda. But there isn't any blood mist when the snake passes in front of the camera. So, it is easy to pull a Friday the 13th on us if there is a sequel. Like the end was a dream something like that. It's a fucking B-movie it's not that hard to come up with something. Also, Jim, when is the sequel? 

THOUGHTS:

This movie is bad...and I love it so much! Some of the dialogue is read so stiltedly it's laughable. Yet, some of the acting is pretty good. My favorites are Rose (Terri Ivens) and Gunner (Kurt Yaeger). Jack (Rib Hillis) isn't bad either. Though, I have decided, I hate Michael Madsen's acting (unless it's Free Willy). He phones it in all the time. Not as badly as he did in Bloodrayne, but still I think he stayed in the movie too long. 

There are some epic lines and delivery to be had. One of the lines went, "What could happen? We're in Hawaii. Nothing bad happens in Hawaii." And my face went: 

Hawaii is currently on fire. 

The graphics are atrocious! ha! There are times when the characters and camera are acting like the Piranhaconda is chasing them, with nothing there. The stunt people are swerving and everything but it's just empty space. Like were the editors even paying attention? They let that pass? The designs of the piranhacondas are kinda neat. It looks like there was a prop head made but I can't tell if it was ever used.

Also, the gun, effects are nonexistent. People are shooting the van that the crew is in and not a single bullet hole.  

The blood effects are a poof of powder, like a mist. I laugh every time. Who decided that? How is that anything but funny? 

One of the random scientists thrown into this movie talks about the Ghost Orchid. However, the real Ghost Orchid doesn't grow in Hawaii and looks like a hanged man, not like a lotus blossom. I gave it the Fantastical Flora trope because one of the scientists says something about it having unnatural healing abilities. So, possibly the key to immortality? Why are snakes always the guards of immortality flowers?

The assistant to Professor Lovegrove has the worst wig! Ever! 

The movie was directed by Jim Wynorski if you know his reputation you understand this film. Produced by the one and only Roger "BAMF" Corman.

They did apparently shoot this movie on location. I didn't think it looked like Hawaii but it is. 

Basically, if you don't like B-movies you won't like this. However, if you like schlock I could see you enjoying this. 

Have you seen Piranhaconda? What did you think of it? What did you like or dislike? Do you have a request for me? I'm happy to watch something new feel free to ask. Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed the review! 

'Till next time stay twisted darlings. 

Lapshi! 

-Necrosecta